The Awful, Dirty Truth about Retirement.

 

Here is an Upsetting Truth:

Retirement Sucks!

In reality,  retirement looks nothing like what I thought it would be.

I was looking forward to some fun…. free time.

“Flying by the seat of my pants” stuff.

I thought about lazy mornings in bed with a hot cup of tea.

Let’s see………

Who is having a meltdown on “The View” today.

Relax, stay in my pjs…

I’m not going anywhere!

 

No more meetings with clients.

No more “perfection”. No more deadlines

No more working!

I can take all the time I want.

I’M RETIRED!

I can finally commit to reading all the books on my

“FINISH ME ALREADY”  pile.

There’s plenty of time for:

Lunching with the girls…

Trying new restaurants…

Museums…..

Hopping a bus to New York for the day-

just to buy Chocolate Babka at Zabars!

(well- maybe not that)

OR

Jumping in the car and day tripping to the shore,

just to take a walk on the beach and listen to the waves.

Yeah-

that’s the kind of stuff I was planning

and…….possibly taking a watercolor class.!

 

NOT HAPPENING

There are no lazy mornings-

because I have to go to Physical Therapy three times a week for my rotator cuff recovery.

My rotator cuff never gave me a moment’s trouble in my entire life!

Never heard  “a peep” out of it.

Barely knew I even had one.

until I retired in October.

Then, that thing went BAT SHIT!

Words like “Debridement”, “torn tendon”,

………”worse than we thought”

were being bandied about.

What originally was going to resolve with an operation

and five weeks of therapy

would now take six months!

REALLY?!

Those therapy appointments are squeezed in between

 a plethora of Dr. appointments

and my volunteering commitments.

And let’s not forget the MRI’s…

(” I am NOT going in there without some valium”)

After the Rotator Cuff Surgery, there was a nasty incident on the staircase, with my ankle.

Broken or Sprained?

Four months later

The Jury is still out on that.

This required a cast and MORE THERAPY.

 

Let’s just say… plaster is not a good look for anyone over 12!

So, they ripped that off and replaced it with a boot so big,

I could barely lift the afflicted leg.

Plus it adds like 10 lbs when you have to get on the scale at the Dr.’s office-

which is now almost every week

I always say no, but then they look at me the same way my mother used to:

implying I really have no choice.

What I really want to say is;

For Christ sake- I was just here last week.

Can’t you just use that number? How difficult would that be?

BUT NO… they can’t do that!

You wouldn’t want us to get in trouble, would you?

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn”.

I just don’t want to get on that scale!

By February, life seemed to have calmed down a bit.

I could see the light at the end of the tunnel-

at least that is what I thought it was.

Maybe it was just a glimpse of the afterlife.

 

Then, one day, a day like any other,

I moved some boxes up from the basement,

into the car and back into another basement.

Now

I can barely stand up.

THE BAD BACK IS BACK!

 You guessed it…..

I am back in Physical Therapy.

I have made a commitment to my Physical Therapist

to help put all his children through college .

By Memorial Day- we  could be half way there!

 

My Orthopedic Surgeon

uses a lot of medical terms to explain my back problems.

But, in laymen’s terms, his assessment is:

“YOUR BACK IS A REAL MESS!”

So- no surgery because that would just make it worse.

And, of course- no opiates.

That’s fine with me because my raging sugar addiction is all I can handle.

But you know what we could do?

I’m waiting to hear the dreaded words.

We could try some ….

Physical Therapy!

( and you need a new MRI..)..

“More Valium Please”

 

I’m thinking about going back to work.

I need a break!

Retirement is a just place people go to fall apart,

so death doesn’t seem like such a bad option.

It’s a scam. It’s not fun.

It’s a pain in the… everything.

So, yes, sorry to tell you:

 Retirement is a hoax,

perpetrated on all of us for years,

merely to lull us into thinking if we work hard our whole lives

we will wind up with years of carefree enjoyment.

Don’t fall for it….. it’s a ruse.

We should start out in retirement in our 20’s

get our retirement money

when we have the bodies and energy to really enjoy it

 then start working after 50-

when everything turns to crap anyway.

Work for thirty years  to pay back our retirement advance

and then; just die!

That way, we get to spend our money and enjoy our lives!

 

Here is my advice…….Keep working!

Because once you retire,

it seems the body is programmed to immediately disintegrate.

All those years of investing, saving

and worrying that you would have enough money to retire- that’s over.

You aren’t going to have the time to spend it

because you won’t ever get out of Physical Therapy.

Then what happens?

Your kids finally get all that money

and THEY travel

spend it  ALL

and have years of fun on your dime!

 

At least now you know what is going to happen!

Plan Accordingly!

And don’t say no one ever told you!

.

 

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “The Awful, Dirty Truth about Retirement.

  1. So sorry about all your pain, Jan, but I thoroughly enjoyed your commentary!!! No PT for me, only trips to the gynecologist in Reading for the past two years !!!! Feel better soon . Camille

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.