I finally have a word for what I am:

a “Nostalgist”

a person who romanticizes

the past and periodically yearns for things as they used to be.

Not in every way of course-

but generally for the way life used to be, when I was young.

I know I shouldn’t be looking back because

I AM NOT GOING THAT WAY.

But honestly,

sometimes spending time in the past

 gives me strength to face the present,

and the future, as well.

It’s a security blanket of memories from the past

which brings me comfort.

I remember those wonderful times in my life-

days when

 my parents and grandparents were alive,

there were big Sunday dinners and picnics,

 long leisurely afternoons spent swimming,

until we were shivering,

blue-lipped & red-eyed !

There was food and laughter.

We were young, happy and healthy.

and we were all together.

 

I am now the oldest living person in my family and statistically

“the next one to go”.

I don’t find that comforting in any way.

( and I don’t intend to comply with statistics)

It’s hard to get older and see friends and loved ones

leaving the planet.

I miss the days when I had

my entire life spread out before me,

like an endless novel, with all sorts of plot twists

and different endings-

just waiting for me to choose.

There was absolutely no sense of my own mortality.

I’m not sure if that was a gift or a curse.

Of course, I had no idea how much things would change.

I was surrounded by family who encouraged me,

cared for me, loved me and

made me feel safe.

Now, it’s my job to do that for others.

As we get older

I suppose it’s perfectly normal to look around at life

and be somewhat shocked at how the world has changed in the

years since we arrived.

Thoughts of my childhood

are filled with blue skies, sunshine, puffy clouds,

and soft, romantic colors;

like a Bonnard painting.

Not too precise.

The past is comforting because

We don’t see it in the reality of the present.

It’s not fixed in our minds,

so much as it rests there-

light as a feather,

easily embellished and re-imagined.

So, for now,

I will continue being grateful for what is…

living in the present moment.

with it’s challenges and rewards,

sadness and joy

 gifts and burdens

 accepting each thing as it comes.

But I will continue to look back as well,

being comforted and finding strength in what used to be.

After all, if I didn’t do that- I couldn’t call myself

” A Nostalgist”