I finally have a word for what I am:
a “Nostalgist”
a person who romanticizes
the past and periodically yearns for things as they used to be.
Not in every way of course-
but generally for the way life used to be, when I was young.
I know I shouldn’t be looking back because
I AM NOT GOING THAT WAY.
But honestly,
sometimes spending time in the past
gives me strength to face the present,
and the future, as well.
It’s a security blanket of memories from the past
which brings me comfort.
I remember those wonderful times in my life-
days when
my parents and grandparents were alive,
there were big Sunday dinners and picnics,
long leisurely afternoons spent swimming,
until we were shivering,
blue-lipped & red-eyed !
There was food and laughter.
We were young, happy and healthy.
and we were all together.
I am now the oldest living person in my family and statistically
“the next one to go”.
I don’t find that comforting in any way.
( and I don’t intend to comply with statistics)
It’s hard to get older and see friends and loved ones
leaving the planet.
I miss the days when I had
my entire life spread out before me,
like an endless novel, with all sorts of plot twists
and different endings-
just waiting for me to choose.
There was absolutely no sense of my own mortality.
I’m not sure if that was a gift or a curse.
Of course, I had no idea how much things would change.
I was surrounded by family who encouraged me,
cared for me, loved me and
made me feel safe.
Now, it’s my job to do that for others.
As we get older
I suppose it’s perfectly normal to look around at life
and be somewhat shocked at how the world has changed in the
years since we arrived.
Thoughts of my childhood
are filled with blue skies, sunshine, puffy clouds,
and soft, romantic colors;
like a Bonnard painting.
It feels the way the past looks in your mind…
Not too precise
The past is comforting because
We don’t see it in the reality of the present
It’s not fixed in our minds,
so much as it rests there-
light as a feather,
easily embellished and re-imagined.
I’m very grateful for the present,
and happy to be alive, as I approach another decade.
So, for now,
I will continue being grateful for what is…
living in the present moment
with it’s challenges and rewards,
sadness and beauty ,
gifts and burdens
accepting each thing as it comes.
But I will continue to look back as well,
being comforted and finding strength in what used to be.
After all, if I didn’t do that- I couldn’t call myself
” A Nostalgist”
